PROOF - studying abroad can change your life.

Before I delve into the heart of this post, I would like to point out that this post is not to talk about myself and rave about me me me and how much I am loving myself. No. It is indeed a post talking about major realizations I have had, but my purpose in writing it is not to show off about myself. I write this in hopes that maybe it will help anybody, even one person, when they read this. My hopes is that people are inspired by this post. That is my goal in these posts, to share my experiences and lessons learned in hopes that people may find inspiration in it. Now, onto the heart of the matter. . .

I contemplated blogging about this, but my heart was pulling me to do it, so here goes. . .

Last Spring my best friend from college studied abroad in England. She raved about how much it changed her and how different she was after having the experience. She told me that I would change, and I wanted to believe her, but I just didn't have the feeling that I would. Well, boy was I wrong. Of course I knew that I would change in little ways, but I had no idea I would change in such a deep way. Sometimes you realize a change in yourself in just a moment, a day, a week, a month, months, a year, etc. Yesterday I had an eye opening realization that changed me, for the better. Let me share!

Many people change while studying abroad or traveling, because they are taken out of their consistent life full of routine, full of the same day to day tasks, the same surroundings, the same people, etc. When you are taken away from that, it is inevitable that you will learn more about yourself, because you no longer have that stagnant medium on you. You are surrounded by a whole group of different people - and in that alone, you realize how different you are from people, what sets you apart from them. You may have more alone time, time by yourself, and in this is when you WILL think too much, but in those endless thoughts you will find deeper meaning in things that you do, in your choices, your decisions, etc. 

Background: I have shared a little bit about this before, but ever since High School I have struggled with a vicious weight and body image cycle. In the Fall time I would be in tip top shape due to Cross Country, then over winter I'd let myself go, develop bad eating habits, binge, eat late, and gain a lot of weight, then in Spring time and Summer I would crash "diet" (not eat very much and run more than I should) and lose more weight than I should. Then I would feel great, be so happy and love myself more than ever! Then Winter would roll around and I'd gain weight again and then Spring came and I would lose it in an unhealthy way. Oh my goodness. It was an unhealthy cycle. It didn't go away in College. I sought out counselors and tried so hard to love myself no matter what weight I was, because I knew that people saw me more as a body, but why couldn't I? I have shed many tears over the years due to not liking my body, then I'd rejoice in the times when I was in great shape. Why couldn't I be happy in both times?

THE REALIZATION: Well when I came over to Ireland, I let myself go again. I ate whatever I wanted, and I couldn't exercise because I had some injury stuff going on. This caused me to gain a great deal of weight. Through all of this excessive eating, loss of control, and developing bad habits, I was trying to prove to myself that I could love myself no matter what weight I was. And people always say, "You're abroad! People always gain weight!" About 11 days ago I decided I was going to be healthy. So I started exercising and eating right again. Though, still I felt like this was just like the regular cycle and eventually I'd let myself go again. I had to find a deeper meaning... Well it happened!! Yesterday I was reaching for a handful of granola cereal, but I wasn't even hungry, so I resisted the urge. It was at that moment, in the silence of the kitchen, in the sunshine coming through the windows, that I had finally found my deeper meaning to my life. All of my life I have felt like 2 different people. The one who is happy when she is in shape and the one who is not comfortable in her skin when she's out of shape. Here is why!

** I always thought that these health kicks weren't mentally healthy for me, like I let them take place of God and like it was just me wanting to be skinny. But it's not just that. I wrote all of my thoughts out, and I'm going to share them with you. Sorry if this is all over the place. It's just so overwhelming and hard to explain! This eating healthy and exercising every day is who I am. It's not just a diet or a mode to lose weight, it is a lifestyle where I am happiest in. This is how I always want to live my life. I don't want to indulge all the time. I am a woman who is healthy, makes good choices and who has self control. I am full of God's love and purity. The fact that I love to live this way reflects my love for God. I am taking care of His body. It is not my own and I am using the mind and willpower and strength he gave me, to be a healthy woman. This is me. I exercise daily, I eat healthy, I eat naturally. I love life. I love God. I am beautiful no matter what, but feel most beautiful when I am caring for this body God has given me. The reasons I was unhappy before is because I wasn't devoting myself to be better. I wasn't taking care of the body God gave me. I just let myself do whatever I want. I made my own eating decisions without thinking about what God would want me to do. I never hated my body because it wasn't as skinny as the other girl's. I didn't feel comfortable in it because I didn't feel like I was me. I am most unhappy when I let myself gain weight, not because I don't see myself as beautiful as others, it is because it shows that I am not taking care of the body God gave me. I am not living in a Godly way. I am most happiest when I am in great shape because it shows that I am making healthy and Godly decisions. It shows that God is a big reflection in my life! I don't judge those who are heavier at all. This is just me. Now I feel God in me more than ever, guiding me back on the healthy path, walking in that beautiful light. The reason I become injured so often is not a punishment from God. It is because I am not listening to God's whispers that my body is tired and needs rest. I just go my own way and ignore the pain - ignoring God's signs. I'm learning to listen now because I am taking care of the body God has given me.

My sister said to me: "Maybe you are how you are because God wants you to be that way (if you are doing all you can and not letting it take over your life)?" - I think that was where I was conflicted and why I'm not happy when I gain excessive weight. Usually when I gain weight it is from lack of exercise and overeating habits. So when I gain weight I know this isn't really how God made me. He made me to make better choices and have more control. That is why when I am in shape, that is when I feel best because THAT is the way He made me - to make good choices. 

 

Now I look myself in the mirror and feel beautiful because I am healthy. Not because I'm getting skinnier. I don't go on a scale. Going on a scale would most likely cause me to get fixated on a number, and I'm trying to steer clear of that.

 

I am hoping that this realization is going to help me stop that vicious cycle I go through every year. I feel that I have finally hit that deeper meaning to my feelings that I needed to hit. Following this moment of realization, I wrote it out very quickly and did a happy dance. This is who I am. This is my life! I am no longer a girl who crash diets to get skinny, I am a girl who lives a healthy life to serve God.

If you struggle with body image issues, dig for the deep reason of why you feel that way when you look in the mirror or put on clothes. Once you figure out that reason, your eyes will open. One thing to always remember though, is that it is NOT about the number on the scale. You need to find the lifestyle that you are most happy with! It doesn't matter if you are 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, it is never too late! Some people have the happiest and healthiest body images in the mirror when they are eating the foods they love! Some people are happiest when they have smaller portions. Some people are happiest when they are eating large portions! I can't say this enough: It is not about what size you are, it is about a lifestyle that you are happiest in. Do not compare yourself to others. DO NOT. Everyone is happiest for different reasons. Find your reason. Find that lifestyle that is you - a lifestyle that is your own that you love.